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The front page headline of yesterday's Rocky Mountain News proclaims
It is a quote from a Denver cab driver about, yes, driving a cab in Denver.
I guess it is a lot like slavery except for the money. And the ability to quit and get another job. And the lack of beatings by management. And the abili ty to keep your kids.
Coors Field will no longer sell food cooked in trans fats. Good.
Aramark, which runs the concession stands at the Field, has decided it will no longer use cooking oils containing trans fats.
Why do I praise the ballpark concessionaires when I railed against the City of New York for outlawing trans fats?
The same reason I admire cliff divers but not people who push others off cliffs.
I love Denver's light rail system. The line is new and clean, and each shiny new station has an electronic message board. I assume the signs can be programmed with important messages. However, the only message I have ever seen says "Welcome to RTD."
If that is there only intended use, they could have achieved the same effect with a can of spraypaint and a sheet of plywood.
Lawyers currently arguing before the United States Supreme Court said, in a written brief, that “low value speech is not worthy of First Amendment protection.”
The lawyers that signed that brief are complete and absolute idiots. The lawyers that make that argument are buffoons. The lawyers that believe that are dangerous.
Of course, such a rule would have its benefits. If we could ban “low value speech,” the ghoulish 24 hour coverage of Anna Nicole Smith’s death would be off the television, "The View" would be banished, and Howard Stern would have to get a job. Best of all, I would never have to see Flava Flav again.
Who says torture does not work?
Al Qaida operative Waleed bin Attash has confessed to planning the attack on the USS Cole and embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania.
After years in secret CIA prisons and then Guantanamo, he finally cracked.
Attash also confessed to a series of lesser known crimes, including a series of unsolved liquor store robberies in the Dayton area.
The Denver Post is concerned that an asteroid might hit Earth.
According to The Post, “Forecasters are focusing on 2036, the year on asteroid named Apophis . . . stands a slight chance of colliding with Earth.”
They are so concerned, about this “slight chance,” they want to spend a billion dollars to prevent it. That is a lot of money, you say?
Not so, says The Post.
The Post points out that the U.S. “spends roughly $1 billion every four or five days for the Iraq war.”
What an argument. The Post believes that if we can waste money on a war, why should we not waste it on asteroid prevention?
It is getting hard to keep up with the Chicken Littles and their catastrophic fear du jour. (The Post, no doubt in an effort to keep the dialogue on an dispassionate plane, notes that Apophis is named after the Egyptian God of Evil.)
The fear of Apophis is moot. Global warming will have the oceans boiling by 2036.
After all, “scientists” are 90% sure that mankind is responsible for the impending floods, drought and locust plagues caused by our SUV’s.
Let us, please, deal with one apocalypse at a time.
Pittsburgh sports fans are all aflutter with the news that their hockey team will stay in the city. The team has reached a deal that calls for the State of Pennsylvania to contribute tax money from slot machines to the organization.
I wonder what would happen if that money was actually spent in the public interest and not to subsidize a money-losing private enterprise. I know, call me crazy.
The Broncos are recruiting free agent Ian Scott, a defensive tackle most recently with the Bears. Do not confuse him with the rhythm guitar player for Anthrax. The guitar player is much smaller and not much of a run-stopper.
Irv Brown, on AM 950 The Fan, said the nickname “Redskins” was “derogative” but “Warriors” was not. According to Brown, “Indians” is not derogative either.
* The correct nickname for the University of North Carolina is Tar Heels, not Tarheels.
* The correct pronunciation of Appalachian State is “apple LATCH ‘n state” not “apple LAY shun state.” You can pronounce the east coast mountain range however you want, but the University in Boone, North Carolina, has only one correct pronunciation.
* While speaking on Westwood One Radio, John Thompson the Elder said that the tournament allows you to “determine your own destination.”
* On the same show, former Big East Commissioner Dave Gavitt said that the Florida Gators were lead by Yannick Noah. Yannick Noah won the French Open in 1983 and is probably out of eligibility. His son, Joakim, however, is an excellent player for the Gators.
LSU women’s basketball coach Pokey Chatman has resigned. She had an inappropriate sexual relationship with one of her players.
I guess we know how she got her nickname.
How unfortunate. A lesbian named “Pokey.”
There has not been a more unfortunate name since Willie T. Ribbs was driving for NASCAR. (Contrary to legend, he did not drive the Afro-sheen Cadillac).
It is a good thing Coach Pokey’s last name was not “Munchausen.”
(Yes, her personal website is www.CoachPokey.com. You can not make this stuff up.)
The New York Knicks have rewarded mediocrity.
They gave coach and team president Isiah Thomas a contract extension.
Newly acquired Bronco running back Travis Henry has worn number 20 since college.
His new Denver teammate, Mike Bell, has that number for the Broncos. Henry, fresh off signing a multi-million dollar contract, told reporters he would offer Bell $10,000 for the number.
When asked if that was the top dollar, Henry said he would offer “whatever it takes.”
Thus, Travis Henry demonstrated why pro athletes need agents to negotiate their contracts.
Buddhist monks in Malaysia are facing a problem. Their monastery has been infested with stinging red ants.
The monks are bound by faith to nonviolence, and have yet to come up with a peaceful way to rid themselves of the nasty pests.
I can not believe this. When faced with a single minded enemy, I thought all we had to do was understand the enemies’ motivation, to reason with them, to change our behavior if necessary in a spirit of compromise.
Are you telling me that some enemies are so intent on their purpose that no amount of understanding or reason or compromise is sufficient?
If so, what do we do? Should the monks let the ants have the monastery? If they are intent on nonviolence, the monks will have to let the ants take over.
The monks will get their reward in the next life.
In Brighton, Colorado, a 30 year old woman lost her job as a teacher for having sex with a 17 year old male student.
The student appeared on The Today Show with Matt Lauer this morning. He is now 18.
The school administration is embarrassed.
According to the Rocky Mountain News
“… teachers at the school have received extra training on how to prevent… future incidents.”
The only thing funnier than needing training on how to avoid sex with underage students is the notion that they need EXTRA training on how to avoid sex with underage students.
LESSON ONE: Keep your knickers on.
LESSON TWO: That sums it up. Thank you for coming. Pick up your Certificate of Attendance on the way out.
North Carolina State gave a valiant effort today as they attempted to win the Atlantic Coast Conference tournament. The Wolfpack won three straight games, an underdog in each, to advance to the finals against favored North Carolina. If the Wolfpack won, they would have made the NCAA tournament. If they lost, they would be relegated to the NIT.
The Wolfpack fell, 89-80. They were led by freshman Brandon Costner, who led all scorers with 28 points.
Costner's excellent game led me to announce that "Costner did his best to go dancing with the Wolves."
Tip your wait staff and try the veal. Thank you, you've been great.
Thanks to NetFlix, my wife and I have almost finished watching every single episode of Alias.
Jennifer Garner's acting ability ranges from "looking like she is about to cry" all the way to "looking good in a mini-skirt."
Page 8 of the Rocky Mountain News has a picture with this caption:
Small but earnest Gianella Ramos, 6, participates in the Colorado Immigrants Rights Coalition's news conference Thursday in Skyline Park to announce plans for a statewide boycott March 25 through April 1. ...
She's definitely small, but earnest? She's six years old. The only thing about which she is earnest is cookies. She was dragged along to this protest by some adult and given a sign. Kids should not be used as props by adults. And newspapers should not encourage them by printing pictures of kids being used as props.
This from the managing editor of YourHub.com, a weekly supplement to both the Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News:
In the news recently, we've seen how childhood experiences can influence how we live our adult lives.
That, my friends, is the type of insight one rarely finds in a mass circulation periodical.
Dave Kreiger must be afflicted with Spring Fever. The Rocky Mountain News sports columnist predicts that the Rockies will win 85 games this year.
He points out, rightfully, that the middle of the lineup could be quite effective. Garrett Atkins, Todd Helton, Matt Holliday and Brad Hawpe might put up big numbers.
But then Krieger loses his mind: "And we haven't even talked about Javy Lopez, or Troy Tulowitzki or Willy Taveras or Steve Finley."
There is a reason we have not talked about them.
Lopez is almost 100 years old.
Tulowitzki is still a prospect. A damn good one, no doubt, but still a prospect.
Taveras is a leadoff hitter with an on-base percentage of just over .300. That is not good.
Finley is even older than Lopez. He could not get a job with any team until after spring training had started. He is a non-roster invitee that is competing to be the third string centerfielder. Why would we talk about him? He might be a great coach on the bench if he makes the team, but his days of big offensive numbers are over.
Spring fever? More like malaria.
Hey, I love the Rockies. I love Coors Field. I love day games in the Rocky Mountain air. I hope the Rockies win the World Series. But to expect any kind of impressive numbers from that group is custard in the clouds.
Marc Hogan, in Business Week, said that Tuesday's stock market drop presents "an opportune moment for investors to make sure their portfolios reflect their risk-tolerance levels, though market pros say it's no time to panic just yet."
Is there ever a time to panic? If so, how will I know? Will the market pros send out a press release or something?
What is this, New Orleans?
Fresh off the resignation of the Denver City Attorney for buying a stolen laptop computer from a guy in a parking lot, an Assistant City Attorney has abused her power.
Assistant City Attorney Dani Eliscu was snagged by an animal control officer for letting her two dogs run off leash. Eliscu flashed her city badge and told the officer "I can't believe you are going to go through with this. We are all on the same side. You're sure you can't give me a break?"
What side is that, Ms. Eliscu? The side of arrogant government officials who believe they are above the law?
Part of Eliscu's duties include, you guessed it, enforcing animal control violations.
She has received a written reprimand at work. She should have received a pink slip.
