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November 29, 2006

Morality, Shmorality

Jayson Stark, of ESPN.com, is all worked up about the upcoming vote for entry into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Mark McGwire's first year of eligibility has him all twisted up inside.

He does not think that writers should bother themselves with concerns about steriods. Of course, he knows most will be so concerned.

He laments that  "Now, we have to decide if we're ready to become the morality police."

Morality has nothing to do with the baseball Hall of Fame. Cheating, however, does.

And cheating is most certainly a proper concern of those that choose the Hall's members.

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Old Guy Radio Logic

Joe Williams, of Sports Radio 950 The Fan, says that Broncos’ coach Mike Shanahan has given up on the season by replacing quarterback Jake Plummer with rookie Jay Cutler.

 

He said “you can’t tell me Shanahan hasn’t given up.”

 

Columbus couldn’t tell the King of Italy that the earth was round.

 

Galileo couldn’t tell the Pope that the earth revolved around the sun.

 

And I can’t tell my dog much about math, but 2 plus 2 is still 4.

 

Shanahan has not given up on anything ever, and he hasn't now.

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Are We Safe?

According to the Rocky Mountain News, a Jefferson County Sheriff police dog recently passed away in his sleep. It always said when a loyal, hardworking animal dies, but this is especially bad news.

According to the RMN, the dog “died peacefully after seven years of ensuring the public’s safety.”

Who is ensuring our safety now? Is there another dog to take his place? What is the training process like? Can a rookie dog actually ensure our safety?

This is big news. Our safety is no longer ensured. HELP!
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November 22, 2006

Serious Pollyanna

John Hoffman, of Carbondale, Colorado, has a letter published in the Rocky Mountain News today.

John says that we should not use the word "terrorist." He suggests we use the phrase "person insane with a desire for justice."

He says that use of this phrase "gives us a handle to better understand the predicament of these folks and thus to practice friendship and compassion."

I nominate John to lead a contingent of Americans to go to Afghanistan with a bouquet of flowers, some chocolates and perhaps a Ticke Me Elmo doll for presentation to Osama bin Laden.

He could share a hug, hold hands and watch the sunset. I'm sure bin Laden knows some good spots with a great view in the Afghan mountains. Perhaps they could share a latte, go to a movie and form a book club.

Surely bin Laden is just misunderstood by the West. He does not really want to kill innocent men, women and children. The whole 9/11 thing was a misunderstanding. Osama just needs some love.

I sincerely wish you the best, John, in your endeavors.

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November 21, 2006

Somebody Give Axl Some Anabuse

A Guns N' Roses concert scheduled for November 6 in Portland, Maine, was cancelled by lead singer Axl Rose. Why? Because local officials would not let him drink on stage

Axl later apologized, but blamed "particulary Draconian" authorities for the cancelled show.

Yeah, those damned authorities that were going to keep you from drinking for a whole two hours. Sheesh. Somebody might need to stage an intervention for ol' Axl.

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November 20, 2006

Sunday Night at Invesco Field

Random thoughts from the press box:

It is 34 Degrees and clear at game time. It is expected to hit 30 by the time the game ends.

Broncos’ practice squad player Jeff Shoate does not stand for the national anthem.

Bronco cornerback Darrent Williams, all of 5’8” and 188 pounds, tackled Charger tight end Brandon Manumaleuna all by his lonesome. Manumaleuna is six inches taller and 108 pounds heavier than Williams.  

Phillip Rivers has a tipped pass intercepted in the first quarter. The clever guy in charge of stadium music immediately played the guitar riff from The Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Give It Away Now.” Very nice.

The Chargers scored on a 99-yard drive. That ties an NFL record. (I did not even have to look that up.)

Damien “The Omen” Nash had an excellent second quarter. He gained 55 yards. Based on rudimentary statistical extrapolation, he would gain 220 yards for an entire game.

According to the United States Census Bureau, Bronco rookie defensive end Elvis Dumervil is the only African-American in the country named “Elvis.” Strangely enough, he was not named for Elvis Presley, but for Elvis Costello. His mother was a huge fan of “(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding.”

The Broncos lose the game 35-27. Charger running back LaDainian Tomlinson needed two touchdowns to reach 100 for his career and become the quickest to reach that mark in the history of the NFL. No problem. He got four touchdowns.

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November 18, 2006

Michigan vs. Ohio State

The announcers for today’s College Football Game of the Year are Brent Musberger, Kirk Herbstreit and former coach Bob Davie.

*  After Michigan scored on its opening drive, Brent said “Somewhere, some place Bo Schembechler is smiling.” Thus implying that there is some question as to where the recently deceased former coach is currently residing. Questioning a man’s spirituality on national television the day after his death is hardly appropriate.

*  At halftime, Mitch Albom narrated a tribute to the dead coach. As usual, The Sultan of Syrupy Sentimentality was only slightly less treacly than a bottle of Karo.

*  Davie gave us this bon mot during the fourth quarter: “In a game like this, you’re either remembered or you’re forgotten.” Will not argue with you there, coach. I think that about covers it.

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Make Benefit Glorious Nation

I do my best to avoid falling into the trap of unrealistic expectations. I had heard so many great things about Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, that I tried to ignore them. I failed.

Borat.jpg

 

Avoiding unrealistic expectations is tough when Entertainment Weekly asked, on its cover, “Is this the funniest movie ever?” It is not.

 

Ms. Carp and I saw the movie Friday. We had already seen most of the funny parts on previews and commercials. One funny scene not played in the promotional campaign has Borat stopping to visit “Gypsies” and looking through their “treasures.” The “Gypsies” are just a family having a yard sale. The “treasures” consist of random junk they have for sale on their yard.

 

We both recommend it, but not nearly as highly as many critics.

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Ava Gardner

The Wikipedia entry on actress Ava Gardner describes her as “exotic.”

Gardner was born in Johnston County, North Carolina. I have spent time in Johnson County, North Carolina. Being born in Johnston County, North Carolina, precludes one from being “exotic.”

Gardner was definitely beautiful. “Exotic” she was not.

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November 17, 2006

Good Mexican

I had heard many good things about Hacienda Colorado. My wife and I checked it out today for lunch. Es muy bueno.

Ms. Carp said "it changes your whole attitude about Mexican food." Indeed, it does.

Fresh warm tortillas accompanied the appetizer. It is hard to believe that Taco Bell uses something called a "tortilla," because it tastes nothing like this.

The entrees were large and very tasty.

Just don't order the margarita with creme and pineapple. That's not a margarita. It was good, but it should be called something else. Perhaps "margarita por hombres que amore otras hombres."

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November 14, 2006

$51 Million Just to Talk

The Boston Red Sox have paid $51 million to the Seibu Lions of the Japanese Pacific League for the right to negotiate a deal with pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. The $51 million buys the Red Sox the right to talk to Matsuzaka for thirty days. No more.

$51 million just to talk. Sounds like one of those 1-900 numbers I got billed for once.

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November 13, 2006

What We Are Up Against

Some people still believe that the Western world can live in peace with the Islamo-fascists. Certainly, we can live with Muslims. We can not live in peace with any group, however, that is intent on destroying us.

This is where pacifism fails. If your enemy's goal is to kill you, pacifism only facilitates the process. If the British Empire had wanted to wipe out the Hindus, no one would have ever heard of Mahatma Ghandi. If the Ku Klux Klan ran the military in the 1960's in the United States, Martin Luther King, Jr., never would have made any speeches on the Washington, D.C. mall.

Pacifism only works when your enemy has a conscience. Islamo-fascists have none. Osama bin-Laden and his followers want us dead. Period. No amount of talk or reason is going to change bin-Laden's objective. The only defense against him and his ilk is either death or incarceration.

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AND ANOTHER THING: Islamo-fascist terrorists hide behind their own women and children. One of their favoirte tactics is to shoot rockets from neighborhoods, then complain to the Western press when, in response, their intended targets fire back in self-defense. The terrorists are great manipulators of the press.

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ONE MORE THING: Western feminists, usually among the more liberal and "forgiving" of the differences in culture, have begun to align themselves with the anti-fascist Hawks. It seems differences in culture are no problem until the other culture believes in female genital mutilation or the general subservience of women.

Australia's most senior Muslim cleric, Sheikh Taj el-Din al-Hilali, caused an uproar by comparing women that do not wear traditional head-coverings to "uncovered meat."

According to the BBC, al-Halili explained

"If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside... and the cats come and eat it... whose fault is it, the cats' or the uncovered meat?" he asked.

The uncovered meat is the problem, he went on to say.

"If she was in her room, in her home, in her hijab [head covering], no problem would have occurred," he added.

Sheikh Hilali also condemned women who swayed suggestively and wore make-up, implying they attracted sexual assault.

"Then you get a judge without mercy... and gives you 65 years," he added.

Those damn judges without mercy will get you every time.

The article goes on to say that

Sheikh Hilali's critics have previously accused him of praising suicide bombers and claiming the attacks in the United States on 11 September 2001 were "God's work against oppressors".

That's unacceptable in a civilized world. Yes, that means that if someone tries to kill me or my brother, I will react in self-defense with appropriate force. If that means I kill you, I will not apologize. I apply the same logic to any man that believes he can rape my sister if she fails to wear a head covering.

Live and let live, I believe. But if you don't let me, my brother and sister live in peace, you will reap the whirlwhind. And I will not cry.

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November 12, 2006

Is Kiszla Kidding?

The Denver Post's Mark Kiszla says the Heisman trophy has become a joke. He's right, but he has the wrong reason.

Kiszla says

At some point, the definition of a Heisman winner got warped. It has now become all but impossible for any athlete to win the trophy unless he's a quarterback on a team ranked among the top five in the national polls

So what is his solution? He says the award should go to Notre Dame's Kyle Brady, a quarterback on a team ranked among the top eight in the national polls. Wow, Mark, way to take a radical stand.

And since No. 3 Louisville, No. 4 Texas and No. 5 Auburn all lost this weekend, Notre Dame may well be in the top five come Monday. Then, if his boy Brady wins the Heisman, Kiszla will have forgotten his criticism. It will be another quarterback on a top five team winning the award.

****

AND ANOTHER THING: Kiszla criticizes Heisman voters for not "watching the games." Later, he praises Rutgers' running back Ray Rice as a legitimate Heisman contender.

I may be completely wrong, but I am willing to bet dimes to a danish that Kiszla saw Rice play as many times as I did: Thursday night against Louisville in a nationally televised game.

Rice had a great game, but judging his season long performance on that game is a joke. Like the Heisman. And like Kiszla's column.

 

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November 09, 2006

Too Little, Too Late

So, Donald Rumsfeld resigns the day after the Republicans get pimp-slapped in the midterm elections.

I can imagine the conversation:

RUMSFELD:   Hey, W, you know the barn door is open. Somebody should close it.

W:     No. We'll stay the course.

SOMETIME LATER

RUMMY:     The horse is out of the barn. It was found eaten by coyotes.

W:      Well, darn it, somebody has to pay for this. Rummy, I want your resignation. And on your way out, close that barn door.

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November 08, 2006

Presidential Election 2008

My prediction and hope is that the Democrats nominate Barack Obama and the Republicans nominate Condoleezza Rice. That, my friend, would make for some interesting politics.

Obama would give the Dems a much better chance of winning than Hillary Clinton. Rice gives the Repubs a much better chance of winning than John McCain.

I think it can happen.

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November 07, 2006

Put Bernie Out to Pasture

A little poetic license is fine. Rocky Mountain News' sports columnist Bernie Lincicome, however, must be carrying a poetic license to kill.

He kills the facts. He kills perspective. He kills our Mother Tongue.

His most recent violation concerns the NBA and Carmelo Anthony's ejection from a game.

He wrote

New NBA rules have cost the Nuggets one basketball game already, the first one when Carmelo Anthony was ejected for frowning, or maybe it was gasping. Tsk. Tsk. Mustn't do that.

Except that Anthony was not ejected for frowning. Or gasping. Or looking cross-eyed at a ref.

He received a technical foul for throwing his headband in disgust.  He was not thrown out for this, he merely received a technical.

Unfortunately for Melo, he had already received a technical foul earlier in the game for vocally expressing his displeasure with a different call.

The rules have always said that a player is ejected upon receiving a second technical. Neither frowning nor gasping had anything to do with it.

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Hey, Now! Let's Not Get Carried Away....

Ted Haggard, the disgraced evangelical leader from Colorado Springs, has spurred much comment on the Bible and homosexuality. (Haggard has been accused of a long homosexual relationship with a male "escort" and buying methamphetamine. He has asked for forgiveness and resigned from church leadership).

Jack Hayford, another evangelical minister, is ministering to Haggard.

Hayford has this to say in his book The Anatomy of Seduction:

Today, we are witnessing at pervasive and disturbing dimensions the absorption of homosexuality, masturbation and oral sex into our culture, stamped with society's seal of approval.

You are hitting a little close to home, Rev. Let's leave at least two of those alone, or ain't nobody gonna be buying what you're selling. I'm just saying.

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Vincent Carroll, editorial page editor of the Rocky Mountain News, also writes about Haggard today. Carroll writes, the "Rev. Larry Stockstill ... is heading a thorough probe into Haggard's affairs."

"Heading a thorough probe?" That might not be a great choice of words, given the topic.

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November 02, 2006

The Grocery Store

Don't try to sneak any extra items into the express lane. If you have to buy 11 items and the express lane limit is ten, you are ineligible. Buy a few more items and stand in the regular line.

The express line cash register should automatically turn itself off, print a receipt and demand payment when the maximum number of items is reached. Still have a bag of chips in your cart? Too bad. The stockboy will put it back.

There is no rule that says you must wait for everything to be scanned before you swipe you debit card and enter your PIN number. You can do that immediately.

If you still write an actual check, there is no hope for you. If your bank prints checks for you, they will give you a debit card. Writing checks at the grocery store is akin to putting leeches on your skin to cure an infection. It was accepted practice in the Dark Ages, but we all know better now.

And if you still do write checks at the grocery store, go ahead and fill in everything except the amount while you wait. There is no need to wait until everything is scanned and bagged before you decide to ask for a pen.

Put your grocery cart back into one of the corrals they have placed in the parking lot for your convenience. Don't just leave the cart in an empty parking spot or with one wheel wedged into some landscaping. Most of you can use the extra ten or twenty feet of walking anyway.  You really are not in that big of a hurry. Believe me, wherever you need to be will still be there after you return the cart to its appropriate place.

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November 01, 2006

She's Not a Doctor?

Suzanne Somers has a best selling book right now about how to stop the aging proces. (Yes, that Suzanne Somers.)

The book asks

Is aging without illness possible?

Is your own internal fountain of youth waiting to be discovered?

Yes, yes, and YES! says Suzanne Somers, the bestselling author of The Sexy Years. It can all be true when you take advantage of the new science of antiaging medicine—a revolutionary approach to achieving the ageless life.

Wow. Sounds pretty good.

But wait! According to Entertainment Weekly (where else would one go for criticism of a medical book by Suzanne Somers?) the book "has been dismissed by some physicians as medically irresponsible."

Say it ain't so Chrissy Snow, so it ain't so.

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